roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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