Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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