I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
zippers are such a cool invention
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
