You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
