I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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