I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What drink are we having for lunch?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
