there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
