I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
