Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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