I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
