I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
