Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
being pregnant is like rehab
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
