got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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