Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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