I will die if light touches me.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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