Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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