I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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