loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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