she looked like the before picture.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
