I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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