Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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