Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
