im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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