so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
