Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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