What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
