so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
