I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
