Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
