i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
