Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
