The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
