I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
