listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
