There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize