mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
