His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
