My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
