You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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