So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
