When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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