In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
