How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
