the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As shirtless as possible
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
