i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
