Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
