sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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