i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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