my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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