Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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