I wish I could teleport
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
