there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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