im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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