I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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