You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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