im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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