I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
