Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
